on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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