as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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