How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
