Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
