I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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