$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
