Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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