it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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