I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
