Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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