if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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