Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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