I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
