this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
