Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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