i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
