I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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