I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
