Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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