Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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