I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
