Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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