i love accidental penises.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
