wrigley field is MILF paradise
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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