What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
