You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
