i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
