dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
