I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
