I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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