I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
