i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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