I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
