OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it because I queefed?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
