Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
