I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
