i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
