I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
