What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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