remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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