If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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