Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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