epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So many bounce houses so little time
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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