he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I smell like Dick and happiness
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
