I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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