My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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