Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
