I cockslap morals
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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