you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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