So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
he fucked my hip out of place.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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