six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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