why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
