You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
