i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
