My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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