I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
