A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
