dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
