All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
