wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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