I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
